Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Waiting is so not my jam.

This is the face of a girl who is bad at waiting. 

I'm a tough kid. 
I can handle the bad news. 
I can handle disappointment. 
In fact, there are very few things that I honestly believe I cannot handle. 
But waiting?
I'm so bad at waiting. 

I've been known to get totally consumed with the 'what if's' and 'why not's' 
and can throw one heck of a pity party. 

I'm terrible at not knowing. 
I like to have a plan. 
I like to know what's coming. 
I like to know what to expect. 
And not knowing? 
Well, to put it mildly, it's not fun. 

And my life lately has been one vast sea of waiting that stretches way farther than the eye can see.

Our house is still for sale. 
That sign in our yard has been staring at me for almost a year now.
Will it sell? 
Will we move? 
We certainly want to move. 
We live so many parts of our lives in a nearby town rather than in the one we live in. 
Will we finally get to move there? 
Will it be in time for Libby to start the fourth grade there? 
Or we will spend fourth grade here, in this town in this house? 
 Will we spend another year living in limbo?
Will we spend another year constantly on the road with the daily back and forth? 
I so hope no.

And what about my job? 
I quit my teaching job three years ago knowing that God was calling me to something else, something bigger, something that will help those in need around the world. 
I'm willing. 
I listening. 
I walked away from my career. 
And now I'm waiting....
waiting for the right fit and the right opportunity. 
And while I love staying home with Hollyn and hope to spend time at home with Emily when she comes home, I'm not content staying home forever.
 I want to do more. 
I so want to learn what God has in store for me. 
But for now, I'm simply just waiting. 

And then there's our adoption. 
Oh, our adoption. 
Adoption is the ultimate waiting game. 
I remember when we first started to feel God leading us towards adoption. 
I wasn't scared about the money or the unknowns or the health concerns or the race issue-- it was the waiting that scared me. 
I am simply not good at waiting. 
And in adoption, so much of what you do is wait. 
We really have no idea how long we will wait. 
Each country and each case and each child-- the wait is never the same. 
Will we travel next Summer? 
What if it's not until next Fall? 
And what if it's not until WINTER? 
Will I have enough time to prepare? 
Will I have the help I need with my kids while I'm gone? 
How long will I have to be gone? 
No answers for any of these questions-- just more waiting. 

Waiting and I--- we're just not friends. 
It make my stomach hurt (clearly not enough to step away from the M&M's, but still).
It makes me grumpy. 
It makes me cry tears of frustration and leads me to pray and pray and pray--
 the same prayer over and over. 
I want God's will to be done, whatever that is. 
I would just love an extra dose of peace and patience until we know just what His will for us may be. 

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